Two essential words we often battle with and yet appreciated so much. I’m sorry. I apologise.

My daughter recently told me that I apologise too much. As a Strict Perfectionist in terms of my Enneagram type I do tend to apologise when things are not perfect or to my standards. Her comment made me attentive to what and when and how I apologise. At about that time I had ordered Dr Harriet Lerner’s book, The Dance of Anger (still to read) and then also read up about her other book, “Why won’t you apologise? 

Apologising, accountability, responsibility, relationships and communication are words that all belong together much like 6 eggs do in a six-egg box holder. 

Parents, business leaders and people in positions of authority often think that if they apologise their authority will be impacted. Actually, that is not true at all. A true apology is respected, so in fact we are more respected, not less, when we apologise. It shows emotional maturity, healthy self-awareness, remorse and courage.

The Demi Lovato Song, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry, made me think whether all apologies are good apologies and when we apologise, have we turned the clock back, wiped the slate clean so to speak and is the reciprocation of an apology automatic forgiveness.  No, no and no. 

Let’s start by looking who benefits from an apology.

There are three gifts in apologising.

1. It is a gift to the other person; it helps the person to not get caught up in anger pain or resentment, releasing them from whatever led up to the necessity for the apology. 
2. It is a gift to our self. It positively impacts our self-respect; it shows a level of maturity and helps us to appreciate how our behaviour affect others. It may not feel like a gift at the time; apologising makes us feel vulnerable and not in control of the outcome. Taking responsibility for what we did or didn’t do is though essential for our self-respect and self-esteem.
3. Lastly, a good apology is a gift to the relationship. Two people or parties can feel secure in the knowledge that if they behave inappropriately, they can repair the damage done. 

It is also true that a bad apology can have negative consequences and can inflict more damage on the relationship. 

I was particularly interested in what it takes to give and receive a meaningful apology.

Harriet Lerner outlines 9 aspects of a true, healthy and good apology. Now let me say that these are hard to do, and we don’t always get it right; knowing how it should be done helps us tough to keep getting closer to giving true apologies and realising the gifts of the apology.

1. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). “But” automatically erases an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.

2. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response or feelings. 

Just your actions, that’s it.  For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is not an apology. Instead try, “I’m sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” Own your behaviour and apologise for that, period. 

3. A true apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation. 

You cannot separate action and behaviour from a heartfelt apology. So, if e.g. I borrowed something and then I broke it, my apology is that I broke it and I also replace it if I offer to do so. It is essential that I then execute the commitment I made. If I do not execute the commitment I made, i.e. to replace it, I nullify the apology, then it’s just empty words.

4. A true apology does not overdo. It stays focused on acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse.  

There are two kinds of overdoing, the 1^st is something that sadly women my generation tend to do too frequently i.e. apologizing for something we don’t need to, e.g. “I am sorry you’re so cold”, hell like you can help it that there is a cold wind blowing and there’s snow on the top of the nearby mountains and then we will apologise that you’re cold, go figure?

The other is over apologising, e.g. I am so sorry I spilled the tea; can I wipe it up for you, would you like to move somewhere else, can I launder your top. Enough already. 

Over apologising in this way disrupts the flow of conversation and is irritating and inauthentic.  

5. A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who is to blame, it does not keep a guilty score.” 

Maybe you’re only 48% percent to blame and maybe the other person provoked you. You can simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.” Full stop; do not add “If you hadn’t first….”

6. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Obviously, it doesn’t help to apologise and then continue the very behaviour you apologised for. Expressions of remorse are empty if you don’t put sincere effort into ensuring that there is no repeat performance. Expressions of remorse with the same continued actions will also destroy trust in your words and authenticity of your remorse.

7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person 

e.g. “I said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing it up?”.  

8. A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. Not all apologies are welcome. Making amends may be part of your healing process and may require you to find another way to heal if the other person doesn’t want to hear from you at that point. 

9. A true apology recognizes when “I’m sorry” is not enough. A serious hurt or betrayal requires repair work over a period of time to restore trust. I can accept your apology, forgiving your action will take time. Harriet uses the analogy of a boxing ring with corners and states that a true apology doesn’t ask for anything back for oneself in that corner of apology. An apology is not an end to the conversation. An apology is what deepens the situation so that two people can move forward and will have room for further conversations. Apologising is not a bargaining tool.

Apologising and self-forgiveness are two sides of a coin. In advising on self-forgiveness we often advocate the use of the 4 R’s of Self-Forgiveness, i.e.

Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration and Renewal.

If we follow the 9 aspects of a true apology perhaps what we get out of it is not just the 3 gifts of apologising but self-forgiveness and self-respect, which enables self-love. These three being so critical to us being able to have healthy relationships with others and ourselves.

I wish I could say that none of us will ever have to apologise again in our lives. That simply is not true. We unintentionally cause hurt; we are human, and we fail in how we treat people at times. I hope that this Blog will encourage you to offer a true apology when it is necessary to do so.

Lou-Anne Lubbe

Find•Your•Wings